When to Consider Divorce (Part 3)

Jan 21, 2023 | Divorce, Family Law

 Previously, we have discussed the benefits of a happy marriage, as well as warning signs in this article; and, the types of marriages that might be saved, and are worth fighting for, in this post following-up the first one. Today, we will discuss different types of commitments to a marriage, and which is required for a marriage to be happy and thrive (and so, for divorce to not need to be considered).

In traditional, ceremonial, marriages, the individuals to be married make vows to one another. They, typically, will publicly attest to their mutual love, devotion, and expressed intention to work towards a lifelong, supportive relationship. That commitment is usually “for better, or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”  And yet, despite those vows, many once-married people find themselves divorcing or divorced. Why is that?

Notice that the vows cited above do not express how the couple will stay together through troubling times. There is no mention of what actions they will take when warning signs (discussed in the articles linked above) present themselves. Divorce should not be considered, at least not initially, in a non-abusive relationship, where the partners are appropriately committed. So, that raises the issue: what type of commitment is “appropriate?”

According to Benjamin Karney, a professor of psychology and co-director of the Relationship Institute at UCLA, “’(w)hen people say, ‘I’m committed to my relationship,’ they can mean two things. One thing they can mean is, ‘I really like this relationship and want it to continue.’ However, true commitment to the marriage is more than just that.”[1]   In a new study, UCLA psychologists based their analysis of 172 married couples over the first 11 years of marriage. What they found was that couples who did more than just commit to wanting their relationship to continue; who were actually willing to examine how they might change themselves, compromise on their wishes and preferences, and prioritize the welfare of their marriage, over their individual desires, were significantly less likely to divorce, than were those couples who did not commit at that level.[2]

That makes sense when applied to other contexts. Let’s take parenting for an example. There are times when a parent prefers not to get-up with a sick child at night; prepare a healthy meal, wash clothes, arrange parties or outings for a child. They may even reside in a location where it is better for a child (such as in the attendance zone of a good school, or within an area designated by a court for the child to reside) rather than where they would ideally live (on a mountain, at a beach, in another state, or in a downtown condo, for examples) But, most parents will do those things anyway, because they prioritize the welfare and happiness of their child over their own individual wants, desires, and preferences.

It’s easy to want to have a good relationship, with a thriving, healthy child. It’s the parents’ commitment to sacrifice for the child’s welfare that is truly important to achieving those outcomes. Should spouses treat the welfare of their marriage with less commitment? If the answer to that question is “no,” then divorce should not be considered in that circumstance. If the answer is “yes,” then that spouse should consider whether s/he wishes to truly be married, or whether being single is the preference.

Healthy marriages bring much value to spouses, including a longer life expectancy, more general happiness, and life satisfaction. But like most things worthwhile, they take work, commitment, and sacrifice. But, the process of making them successful improves our own attitudes towards life, and ourselves as people and partners.

 

[1] https://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/here-is-what-real-commitment-to-228064

[2] Ibid.

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Some Common Causes of Divorce (Part 1)

Aug 21, 2022 | Divorce

In my practice of law since 1989, my firm has handled many divorce cases, and have spoken with various mental health experts. Between our experience, as a law firm handling divorce cases, as well as what we have discovered from our study of the subject with relationship experts, we have learned some common causes of divorce. Based on those experiences, we offer the following observations.

Once upon a time, divorce was rare and frowned-upon by American society. During the Twentieth Century, however, several societal changes occurred, which caused the divorce rate to spike. It became one of the highest in the world.[i] Among these changes were women’s ability to support themselves financially; an increased mobility of society, where the members of extended families lived apart from one another; and, the dawning of the Sexual Revolution, which led to  a change of view about  previously-married people (especially women).

One of the most important factors, though, was the shift in view of marriage from being a lifetime family obligation that one takes, to being a source of personal fulfillment and joy. With this shift in view, a marriage which did not bring such pleasant emotions became considered as not worthy of protecting and extending.[ii]Various stress factors can lead to that lack of fulfillment and lack of joy. We will begin exploring two (2) of those today. Later posts will discuss this topic further.

Research into the area by multiple studies shows, unsurprisingly, that frequent conflict leads to a breakdown in the marital relationship. Each argument, or harsh word uttered, pushes the parties apart, eventually leading to a devaluing of one’s partner, and the marriage itself, unless appropriate intimacy-building measures are taken. There are resources for doing this available on the web. But, when there is already negative energy within a marriage relationship, working with a good therapist or counselor can be invaluable.[iii]

Another common cause of divorce is a lack of commitment; or often more appropriately, a lack of sufficient commitment, of the right type, from each spouse. Let me explain. There are some marriages in which both spouses are committed to the marriage, but each to a different degree (“Asymmetrical Commitment.”).  This is unhealthy, and can cause deterioration of the marriage, as one spouse begins to feel devalued by the other.

In addition to needing a similarly strong commitment to the marriage, the right type of commitment is also important. A commitment to the marriage for moral reasons, such as for religious reasons; but, without a personal commitment to the marriage, is unlikely to result in a healthy relationship. The same is true when there is a structural commitment to stay in the marriage “for the kids,’ or for financial reasons. A personal commitment to stay in the marriage, because it is the most important thing in your life, however, is the type of commitment that leads to healthy, happy marriages. Spouses having this type of commitment stay in their marriage, because they want to do so; not because they feel like they should do so, or must do so.

Today, we have begun our study of the common causes of divorce. I hope that this has been helpful. More will follow, so please follow this site for updates. Until next time, I am the lawyer who says “I hope that you never have need to use our divorce services.”

 

 

[i] Wu Z. Schimmele C. M. 2007 Uncoupling in late life Generations 31 41–46

[ii] Ibid.

[iii] It is important that each spouse bring to the counseling, a commitment to working on oneself to improve the relationship. Merely showing-up to complain about the other spouse is very unlikely to be successful. Even if one spouse is primarily responsible for the breakdown of the marriage, each partner can improve as a spouse; even if that means simply not enabling the other spouse.

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When to Consider Divorce (Part 2)

May 14, 2018 | Divorce

Committed relationships, such as marriages, are bedrock institutions of our society. When these relationships are healthy, they provide us with joy, contentment, stability, connection, and opportunities for personal growth. But, unfortunately, not all such intimate relationships become, and remain, healthy for both partners. Continuing with our series, we will discuss today some additional warning signs, or bad omens, for marriages.

According to Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., Social Psychologist at the University of California, Riverside, and author of “The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want,” being married is correlated with being happy: married people are more happy than unmarried people are1. And so, trouble in a marriage may manifest in the early stages as a state of uneasiness, dissatisfaction, or chronic unhappiness. This may or may not be accompanied by the feeling that there is no value in the marriage.

These feelings may result from something as benign as a gradual drifting apart of the parties, or, something more malignant, such as some form of abuse2. Or, the feelings may arise in other ways that are instrumental in a spouse’s coming to feel unvalued, unappreciated, untrusted, constantly questioned or criticized. In any of those cases, the lack of an underlying happiness and satisfaction is a signal that the marriage is in trouble.

When one or both partners begin to feel dissatisfied with the marriage, then it is important for those feelings to be addressed. If the spouses’ talking-out the causes of the unhappiness or dissatisfaction does not seem to resolve the problem(s), then enlisting the help of a professional may be beneficial. While it might feel pointless or hopeless to try to further work on the lack of meaningful connection at this point, it is worth noting that if the partners can look back and remember good times, then, according to Susan Heitler Ph.D., the marriage, or other committed relationship, can be saved and strengthened.

Importantly, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy reports that most couples who have attended marriage counseling report high levels of satisfaction with the process. While marriage counseling requires each partner to work on himself or herself (rather than just blame the other spouse, and wish for his or her change), the end result can be the satisfaction, fulfillment, and happiness that flow from a happy, healthy marriage. Given as much marriage counseling is often worth doing, for those spouses who have not already given-up on their marriage.

Previously, I wrote about When to Consider Divorce (part 1), and noted that “[m]arriages are worth fighting for when they support us and our spouses…. If the spouses are committed enough to address [their] issues, then the marriage is worth fighting for.” You will find a discussion of some bad omens for a marriage in that earlier writing, so you might want to check it out.

1 It is also true that happy people tend to attract the types of partners with whom they might build a long-term, satisfying relationship

2 Abuse is not always physical; and, other forms of abuse can be just as damaging, or more so, than physical abuse is.

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When to Consider Divorce (Part 1)

Feb 28, 2018 | Divorce, Family Law

All good marriages have their ups and downs. That is normal and healthy, because it shows that both partners are committed to the marriage, vulnerable, and working on their relationship with one another. In a loveless marriage, by contrast, there is not an intimate connection nor commitment to the marriage, and so, it is easy to not care enough: about your spouse, nor the relationship, to get upset; to work to make things better. Strong emotion is evidence of a connection between two people. But, when is that connection worth fighting for? That is what this series of posts, which we begin today, is about.

Within the comfort of our marriages is where we should feel the most secure, hopeful, and happy—free to be ourselves and supported by our respective spouses. So, the first thing to watch for as a sign of trouble in your marriage is a feeling that you are not able to relax and be yourself. You shouldn’t feel anxious in a healthy marriage. And, if you do, then that is an issue to explore (perhaps with a counselor) to determine whether the anxiety exists because you aren’t supported and getting what you need in the marriage; or, if it is due to something else, such as an anxiety disorder. In either case, that anxiety should be addressed, rather than ignored. Otherwise, the marriage is in trouble.

Next, it is worth noting that when spouses are unhappy, and feeling unsupported, they will often uncouple; i.e., operate as individuals sharing some things, like a house, and maybe children, but not as an intimate team. If marriage is anything, it is a team of two people sharing their lives with one another in an intimate partnership; if there is no team, then there is no marriage. So, uncoupling is not a good omen for the marriage.

Uncoupling often takes the form of infidelity—either emotional, physical, or both. When a spouse becomes secretly intimate with someone other than his or her spouse, then infidelity is occurring, and the marriage is in trouble. Besides having sex with someone other than your spouse, infidelity is occurring if: you are confiding your thoughts and feelings in someone other than your spouse, especially someone whom you are attracted to; you find yourself wanting to spend time with that other person; and, you are keeping the truth about that relationship hidden from your spouse. This is true, even if that relationship is not a sexual one.

People engaged in this kind of infidelity, by the way, will often attempt to justify it by saying “well, we’re not having sex,” and “my spouse is so jealous, that I don’t want to upset (him or her).” But, deception is destructive of a marriage, and so, is the crux of the problem with infidelity. You should question any relationship that you would not want your spouse to be fully knowledgeable about.

Marriages are worth fighting for when they support us and our spouses. If either or both of the issues discussed in this piece are present, then they must be appropriately addressed for the marriage to be supportive of the spouses. If the spouses are committed enough to address these issues, then the marriage is worth fighting for.

There is much more to discuss on this topic. I plan on addressing other related matters in subsequent posts. In the meantime, if you are considering divorce as an option, then you should know the 8 steps to take to prepare for your divorce.

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Divorce Advice for Women

Jan 4, 2018 | Divorce, Family Law

We have been successfully handing divorce cases for our clients since 1991. Over that time period, we have literally represented hundreds of women. In fact, our very first divorce client was a woman who had a contested divorce case involving child issues. While representing women, we have noticed that certain issues arise more frequently for them as a group, than for men. This piece will discuss a few of those issues, and then, will offer additional information about how everyone should prepare for an upcoming divorce case.

Finances

Today, we see more women who earn about as much as, or more than, their husbands—some a lot more than their husbands. And yet, according to the latest statistics that we could find on the subject, just 29.3% of wives out-earned their husbands in 2013, according to data compiled by the Bureau of Labor Statistics . Consequently, when a marriage ends, we find more women looking at potentially-serious financial trouble than men (granted, divorce typically makes finances harder on both former spouses; just to a larger degree for many women than men).

Temporary Spousal Support or  Alimony might help when available. But, even if those are awarded, they won’t last forever (please see the linked articles for more details about the availability and duration of those support awards in Texas).

It is important that you consider your finances as you start to contemplate divorce, so that you can make a plan in this area of your life.

Assuming that you will win custody by default, because you are “The Mom.”

Once upon a time, i,e. during the Nineteenth Century, American children were routinely awarded to their respective fathers, because women were not entitled to own property, enter into binding legal arrangements (such as through contract), and rarely were able to earn enough to support herself and children.

That tradition was reversed when the Maternal Preference became the dominant idea about where children should live, and which parent would do a better job raising them. During that latter period, Mothers were awarded custody, unless they were proved to be “unfit.”

Nowadays, there is no legal preference for either mothers or fathers to be presumptively awarded custody of their children. Instead, our courts make such awards, as with all other orders pertaining to children, according to what the court finds to be in the “best interest” of the children.  This means that mothers might lose custody of their children, and end-up paying child support to the children’s father, unless they take their trial preparation seriously. In our experience, most fathers who ask for custody usually will be prepared to explain to the Presiding Judge why they should have custody. It is up to us to be thoroughly prepared to counter those arguments, and to effectively make our own arguments for why you, the children’s mother, should win the custody battle. This means dealing with these issues seriously and thoughtfully.

Feeling like “a Failure”

When a marriage ends through divorce, it is common for women to feel like they have failed themselves or their children. While there are exceptions to every generalization, it is our experience that men blame themselves, and feel like failures, significantly less often than women do.

Learning lessons from our experiences is how we grow as human beings. But, endlessly beating ourselves up for a failure usually contributed to by both spouses serves no useful purpose. It merely makes us feel bad, and takes away our power to fight for ourselves and our kids. Often, visiting with a good counselor can help us process negative events in a constructive manner.

Conclusion

Divorce can be hard. By addressing the three issues discussed in this piece, it can be less hard for you.  We plan on writing more about related issues in the future, so please bookmark this blog site, or sign-up for our Mailing List to stay abreast of our latest posts. Also, we do have many other articles posted on this site about divorce and other Family Law matters, such as this one, discussing  the 8 steps that everyone should take to prepare for a potential divorce case, so please feel free to browse through our post archive.

That is all for now. Until next time, keep looking up!

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