According to Benjamin Karney, a professor of psychology and co-director of the Relationship Institute at UCLA, “’(w)hen people say, ‘I’m committed to my relationship,’ they can mean two things. One thing they can mean is, ‘I really like this relationship and want it to continue.’ However, true commitment to the marriage is more than just that.”[1] In a new study, UCLA psychologists based their analysis of 172 married couples over the first 11 years of marriage. What they found was that couples who did more than just commit to wanting their relationship to continue; who were actually willing to examine how they might change themselves, compromise on their wishes and preferences, and prioritize the welfare of their marriage, over their individual desires, were significantly less likely to divorce, than were those couples who did not commit at that level.[2]
That makes sense when applied to other contexts. Let’s take parenting for an example. There are times when a parent prefers not to get-up with a sick child at night; prepare a healthy meal, wash clothes, arrange parties or outings for a child. They may even reside in a location where it is better for a child (such as in the attendance zone of a good school, or within an area designated by a court for the child to reside) rather than where they would ideally live (on a mountain, at a beach, in another state, or in a downtown condo, for examples) But, most parents will do those things anyway, because they prioritize the welfare and happiness of their child over their own individual wants, desires, and preferences.
It’s easy to want to have a good relationship, with a thriving, healthy child. It’s the parents’ commitment to sacrifice for the child’s welfare that is truly important to achieving those outcomes. Should spouses treat the welfare of their marriage with less commitment? If the answer to that question is “no,” then divorce should not be considered in that circumstance. If the answer is “yes,” then that spouse should consider whether s/he wishes to truly be married, or whether being single is the preference.
Healthy marriages bring much value to spouses, including a longer life expectancy, more general happiness, and life satisfaction. But like most things worthwhile, they take work, commitment, and sacrifice. But, the process of making them successful improves our own attitudes towards life, and ourselves as people and partners.
[1] https://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/here-is-what-real-commitment-to-228064
[2] Ibid.