What Are The Steps to Take After Deciding to Divorce? (Part 1)

Aug 22, 2021 | Divorce, Family Law

Deciding to divorce is a big decision. Once it has been made, proper preparation is, like with so many things in life, a key to making the outcome more likely to be positive for you and your family. And, yet, because it can be such an emotional decision, many people do not develop a plan for successfully moving through the process. This piece is designed to guide you in developing that plan.

Initially, it is important to go through this process before beginning the divorce. That is when issues can be pondered without having the pressure of a pending divorce affecting your decision-making

Step 1 Who will be your allies during this process? Divorce can be emotionally-taxing. One or both spouses may make emotional decisions that create chaos, confusion, or worse. It is easier to get through those times with allies—family members and friends who can provide support. It is also important to have people who you can talk to regularly; esp. if other family members and friends decide to not be there for you at this time. Having the support of allies help you to better weather the storms of your case.

Step 2 Do you understand the property matters? Do you have, or can you get, documentation (hard copy and/or virtual) pertaining to all debts and assets of the family? Car titles, mortgage statements, retirement and brokerage account statements, bank or credit union statements, loan applications, credit card bills, health and life insurance policies, and tax returns are all important to have. Do you know where to obtain any of those documents which you do not already have? Is there anyone who can assist you with this process? Be sure to store electronic versions of those documents in the cloud (such as via OneDrive, Dropbox, Google Drive, or Box), so that you can access them from anywhere that you have an internet connection

Step 3 Who provides services to the home? You should either know, or learn, the identity of the gas company, the electricity provider, and the cable or satellite provider, for the home. Are there other service providers that your family uses, such as for landscaping, lawn maintenance, or babysitting? Do you know how all of those bills are customarily paid? What about the water/trash bill for your home? Do you either have access to that information, or can you get it? In a similar vein do you know all about your family’s health insurance, toll tag, phone, and other accounts? Can you compile all of this information in a document that you can access online?

Step 4 How will you meet financial obligations during the divorce? In addition to your living expenses, there will be additional charges related just to the divorce process, itself. So, securing a means to pay those expenses allows one to continue the case, rather than perhaps being forced to settle on less-than-favorable terms because you’ve run-out of money. The court may award certain bills, support, or alimony during the case. But, that is uncertain until it happens. Funding is sometimes available by taking a loan against a retirement account; selling some securities in a brokerage account; securing one or more credit cards in your own name, and unknown to your spouse, ideally; or opening-up a line of credit with a financial institution. Also, do you have a relative who will loan you money, or who will allow you to use his or her credit card? Is there home equity available to borrow? Even if the house is owned by both of you, the court may allow that home equity to be used to pay the expenses of the case.

These are the first few considerations. We will address more of them with the next post, so check back for more useful info!

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Can You Get Divorced During a COVID-19 Shutdown?

May 22, 2020 | Divorce, Family Law

Many courts are not currently operating as they did before during this shutdown. They are, however, open, and processing some cases. Here, in Texas, our state courts are holding “essential” hearings, via Zoom. Essential hearings, in the context of Texas Family Law cases, consist of those concerning matters such as temporary restraining orders, CPS child removal, and applications for protective orders (due to allegations of family violence). All others, such as routine divorce temporary orders hearings, are presently not occurring before June 1, 2020.

But, that does not mean that you cannot file a divorce case, and begin moving towards finalizing it now. In fact, all 254 Texas counties are now enabled, and using, electronic filings. That means that your lawyer can use the state’s electronic filing services to file your divorce. And, since your divorce must be on file for sixty (60) days or more before being finalized, the partial closing of the courts (for non-essential hearings) should pose no challenge to finalizing your divorce case.[1]

So, how does a divorce case work now? Many firms, such as ours, are still working remotely. But, that is not a problem, since information can be provided electronically, as can payments.

Upon receipt, we will take that information, and prepare divorce pleadings for you (based on that information). When those pleadings are drafted, we will electronically file your pleadings, thereby starting the court case. When received, the District Clerk’s Office reviews the pleadings to ensure compliance with the filing rules for your county, as well as those for the State of Texas, before accepting them. Those accepted pleadings are file-marked, and then returned to us electronically.

Once we have received those file-marked pleadings, we will send a copy of them to you, and to a court-approved Legal Process Server (if service of those pleadings to your spouse is requited in your case). If your case is agreed (and no formal service of process is required), then those pleadings can be emailed to your spouse, along with a document waiving that formal service.

From that point, we handle your case much as we would have prior to COVID-19.[2] That includes requesting, and setting, hearings for such matters as temporary orders (to occur on June 1st or later). Also, written discovery requests (such as interrogatories, request for production, request for disclosure, and request for admissions) can be served.[3] Then, when we are ready to proceed with finalizing your case, we will set it for a Final Hearing, negotiate with the opposing party (unless all case issues are already agreed to), and take care of any pre-requisites (such as mediation) to finalizing your divorce. And, of course, we will be communicating with you about your case, at each step.

Texas courts are operating now (handling “essential” matters, only), and are scheduled to reopen further on June 1, 2020. Even now, though, Texas Family Law matters, such as divorces, are being processed. And, although we are working remotely, we are still accepting new clients, and handling our existing cases.

 

[1]Of course, the courts may be later ordered to re-close, but for now, the plan is to reopen them to non-essential matters (whether virtually, or physically) on June 1st.

[2]In-person, oral depositions (if desired for your case) might not occur precisely as they did before.

[3]Discovery requests are formal mechanisms for obtaining relevant case information. Often, they are served on the other party, to require him or her to provide information to us, such as bank account and credit card records, a listing of their activities, who their intended witnesses are, and what they contend the court should do in your case.

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Parenting A Child With A High Conflict Ex (Part 3)

Oct 23, 2018 | Child Custody, Divorce, Family Law

When a romantic relationship ends, whether by divorce or otherwise, parents often find that their residual emotions spill over into their dealings with one another as they try to work together to parent their children. This can, obviously, pose difficulties in a shared child custody arrangement. We have previously discussed techniques which you can use to mitigate conflict when attempting to co-parent with someone who cannot, or will not, treat you politely and with respect. A review of those articles (Part 1 and Part 2 of this series) will give context to the information which we are discussing today.

One of the recommended techniques to resolve this conflict is putting in place (ahead of time) a method for resolving parenting disagreements outside of court. That way, disagreements can be resolved relatively quickly, easily, and inexpensively. To be successful, that method must consider, and be respectful of, each parent’s, thoughts, views, and wishes about the decision to be made. It can, then, be supported by the court, if challenged by a disgruntled parent who thinks that he or she should be able to unilaterally make decisions about the child or children.

Examples of decisions which parents might disagree about are educational decisions, such as whether to “hold a child back” in a particular grade for a school year; whether to enroll the child in Advanced classes; which electives a child will take; or, whether to have your child “skip” a grade. Other examples are medical decisions, such as whether to have a child start taking medication, say for ADHD or clinical depression; or to start counseling, or undergo surgery or other medical treatment.

One effective dispute resolution method involves writing into the court order a “tie-breaking” procedure, whereby the parents would present their disagreement to someone whom they have previously agreed is a logical person to weigh-in on the matter at hand. The parents might agree, for example, that if they cannot agree on one or more educational decisions for their child, they will allow the child’s school Principal to cast the tie-breaking vote on the decision, after conferring with the child’s teacher, counselor, nurse, or other personnel relevant to that decision.

Similarly, for medical decisions, the parents might agree in advance, or the judge may order, that the child’s Primary Care Physician will cast the tie-breaking vote regarding these decisions. The doctor would first consult with the child, each parent, and any other relevant healthcare professional (such as a medical specialist), prior to making the decision.

Those professional people casting the tie-breaking votes presumably have the child’s best interests at heart. And, they can look at these decisions through their professional education, training, and experiences, without having to wade through the emotional baggage between the parents. Ideally, this process results in a high likelihood that a reasonable decision will be made for your child.

We have been using these types of tie-breaking procedures for our clients since the 1990’s. Over those many years, we have found that these types of tools often keep high- conflict parents from getting “stuck” when trying to make those important decisions for their child which will, inevitably, arise from time-to-time; and, doing so, without our clients having to rehire us to go back to court over the decision.

When a disagreement on a parenting decision occurs, having a process in place which allows a dispassionate professional person to assist in the decision-making, allows stability for the child to occur.

 We appreciate your attention to this article,and would welcome any questions or comments about it which you may wish to send to us from this website. That is all for now. Plan for potential problems with co-parenting, so that you can keep doing what is the very best for your kids!

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When to Consider Divorce (Part 2)

May 14, 2018 | Divorce

Committed relationships, such as marriages, are bedrock institutions of our society. When these relationships are healthy, they provide us with joy, contentment, stability, connection, and opportunities for personal growth. But, unfortunately, not all such intimate relationships become, and remain, healthy for both partners. Continuing with our series, we will discuss today some additional warning signs, or bad omens, for marriages.

According to Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., Social Psychologist at the University of California, Riverside, and author of “The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want,” being married is correlated with being happy: married people are more happy than unmarried people are1. And so, trouble in a marriage may manifest in the early stages as a state of uneasiness, dissatisfaction, or chronic unhappiness. This may or may not be accompanied by the feeling that there is no value in the marriage.

These feelings may result from something as benign as a gradual drifting apart of the parties, or, something more malignant, such as some form of abuse2. Or, the feelings may arise in other ways that are instrumental in a spouse’s coming to feel unvalued, unappreciated, untrusted, constantly questioned or criticized. In any of those cases, the lack of an underlying happiness and satisfaction is a signal that the marriage is in trouble.

When one or both partners begin to feel dissatisfied with the marriage, then it is important for those feelings to be addressed. If the spouses’ talking-out the causes of the unhappiness or dissatisfaction does not seem to resolve the problem(s), then enlisting the help of a professional may be beneficial. While it might feel pointless or hopeless to try to further work on the lack of meaningful connection at this point, it is worth noting that if the partners can look back and remember good times, then, according to Susan Heitler Ph.D., the marriage, or other committed relationship, can be saved and strengthened.

Importantly, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy reports that most couples who have attended marriage counseling report high levels of satisfaction with the process. While marriage counseling requires each partner to work on himself or herself (rather than just blame the other spouse, and wish for his or her change), the end result can be the satisfaction, fulfillment, and happiness that flow from a happy, healthy marriage. Given as much marriage counseling is often worth doing, for those spouses who have not already given-up on their marriage.

Previously, I wrote about When to Consider Divorce (part 1), and noted that “[m]arriages are worth fighting for when they support us and our spouses…. If the spouses are committed enough to address [their] issues, then the marriage is worth fighting for.” You will find a discussion of some bad omens for a marriage in that earlier writing, so you might want to check it out.

1 It is also true that happy people tend to attract the types of partners with whom they might build a long-term, satisfying relationship

2 Abuse is not always physical; and, other forms of abuse can be just as damaging, or more so, than physical abuse is.

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When to Consider Divorce (Part 1)

Feb 28, 2018 | Divorce, Family Law

All good marriages have their ups and downs. That is normal and healthy, because it shows that both partners are committed to the marriage, vulnerable, and working on their relationship with one another. In a loveless marriage, by contrast, there is not an intimate connection nor commitment to the marriage, and so, it is easy to not care enough: about your spouse, nor the relationship, to get upset; to work to make things better. Strong emotion is evidence of a connection between two people. But, when is that connection worth fighting for? That is what this series of posts, which we begin today, is about.

Within the comfort of our marriages is where we should feel the most secure, hopeful, and happy—free to be ourselves and supported by our respective spouses. So, the first thing to watch for as a sign of trouble in your marriage is a feeling that you are not able to relax and be yourself. You shouldn’t feel anxious in a healthy marriage. And, if you do, then that is an issue to explore (perhaps with a counselor) to determine whether the anxiety exists because you aren’t supported and getting what you need in the marriage; or, if it is due to something else, such as an anxiety disorder. In either case, that anxiety should be addressed, rather than ignored. Otherwise, the marriage is in trouble.

Next, it is worth noting that when spouses are unhappy, and feeling unsupported, they will often uncouple; i.e., operate as individuals sharing some things, like a house, and maybe children, but not as an intimate team. If marriage is anything, it is a team of two people sharing their lives with one another in an intimate partnership; if there is no team, then there is no marriage. So, uncoupling is not a good omen for the marriage.

Uncoupling often takes the form of infidelity—either emotional, physical, or both. When a spouse becomes secretly intimate with someone other than his or her spouse, then infidelity is occurring, and the marriage is in trouble. Besides having sex with someone other than your spouse, infidelity is occurring if: you are confiding your thoughts and feelings in someone other than your spouse, especially someone whom you are attracted to; you find yourself wanting to spend time with that other person; and, you are keeping the truth about that relationship hidden from your spouse. This is true, even if that relationship is not a sexual one.

People engaged in this kind of infidelity, by the way, will often attempt to justify it by saying “well, we’re not having sex,” and “my spouse is so jealous, that I don’t want to upset (him or her).” But, deception is destructive of a marriage, and so, is the crux of the problem with infidelity. You should question any relationship that you would not want your spouse to be fully knowledgeable about.

Marriages are worth fighting for when they support us and our spouses. If either or both of the issues discussed in this piece are present, then they must be appropriately addressed for the marriage to be supportive of the spouses. If the spouses are committed enough to address these issues, then the marriage is worth fighting for.

There is much more to discuss on this topic. I plan on addressing other related matters in subsequent posts. In the meantime, if you are considering divorce as an option, then you should know the 8 steps to take to prepare for your divorce.

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Divorce Advice for Women

Jan 4, 2018 | Divorce, Family Law

We have been successfully handing divorce cases for our clients since 1991. Over that time period, we have literally represented hundreds of women. In fact, our very first divorce client was a woman who had a contested divorce case involving child issues. While representing women, we have noticed that certain issues arise more frequently for them as a group, than for men. This piece will discuss a few of those issues, and then, will offer additional information about how everyone should prepare for an upcoming divorce case.

Finances

Today, we see more women who earn about as much as, or more than, their husbands—some a lot more than their husbands. And yet, according to the latest statistics that we could find on the subject, just 29.3% of wives out-earned their husbands in 2013, according to data compiled by the Bureau of Labor Statistics . Consequently, when a marriage ends, we find more women looking at potentially-serious financial trouble than men (granted, divorce typically makes finances harder on both former spouses; just to a larger degree for many women than men).

Temporary Spousal Support or  Alimony might help when available. But, even if those are awarded, they won’t last forever (please see the linked articles for more details about the availability and duration of those support awards in Texas).

It is important that you consider your finances as you start to contemplate divorce, so that you can make a plan in this area of your life.

Assuming that you will win custody by default, because you are “The Mom.”

Once upon a time, i,e. during the Nineteenth Century, American children were routinely awarded to their respective fathers, because women were not entitled to own property, enter into binding legal arrangements (such as through contract), and rarely were able to earn enough to support herself and children.

That tradition was reversed when the Maternal Preference became the dominant idea about where children should live, and which parent would do a better job raising them. During that latter period, Mothers were awarded custody, unless they were proved to be “unfit.”

Nowadays, there is no legal preference for either mothers or fathers to be presumptively awarded custody of their children. Instead, our courts make such awards, as with all other orders pertaining to children, according to what the court finds to be in the “best interest” of the children.  This means that mothers might lose custody of their children, and end-up paying child support to the children’s father, unless they take their trial preparation seriously. In our experience, most fathers who ask for custody usually will be prepared to explain to the Presiding Judge why they should have custody. It is up to us to be thoroughly prepared to counter those arguments, and to effectively make our own arguments for why you, the children’s mother, should win the custody battle. This means dealing with these issues seriously and thoughtfully.

Feeling like “a Failure”

When a marriage ends through divorce, it is common for women to feel like they have failed themselves or their children. While there are exceptions to every generalization, it is our experience that men blame themselves, and feel like failures, significantly less often than women do.

Learning lessons from our experiences is how we grow as human beings. But, endlessly beating ourselves up for a failure usually contributed to by both spouses serves no useful purpose. It merely makes us feel bad, and takes away our power to fight for ourselves and our kids. Often, visiting with a good counselor can help us process negative events in a constructive manner.

Conclusion

Divorce can be hard. By addressing the three issues discussed in this piece, it can be less hard for you.  We plan on writing more about related issues in the future, so please bookmark this blog site, or sign-up for our Mailing List to stay abreast of our latest posts. Also, we do have many other articles posted on this site about divorce and other Family Law matters, such as this one, discussing  the 8 steps that everyone should take to prepare for a potential divorce case, so please feel free to browse through our post archive.

That is all for now. Until next time, keep looking up!

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