When To File For Divorce Archives

Is There an Ideal Time to File for Divorce?

Oct 20, 2022 | Divorce

One of the more common questions that we receive concerns when to file for divorce (another one is “(d)oes it matter who files first). There are several factors that go into figuring the timing. For one thing, is divorce an appropriate response to your current situation? Some considerations to think about can be found here and here.

Assuming that you have fully considered your decision, as discussed in the links above, and you wish to proceed with divorce, the next consideration is whether you have taken the steps necessary to be prepared for divorce. A discussion of those steps can be found here.

Ok, now that you have given thought to whether divorce is right for you; and if you are ready for divorce; then the issue of ”when to file” arises. January is the most popular month for filing for divorce. In fact, it is commonly referred to in the industry as “Divorce Month.” February is, typically, the second most popular month for new divorce case filings.[1] But, does it truly matter in which month a new divorce case is started?

As far as the law governing the divorce case, and the manner in which the proceedings will go, the answer is “no.” Filing in either Spring, Summer, Fall, or Winter, will not change your case. So, the answer as to when to file is that you should file if and when you are ready to file.

Have you made the plans discussed in the links above for how things will go during your case? Also, will the two of you continue to reside together, or will one of you move out of the home? Have you considered finances and debt payments? Is now a particularly dicey time for one or more of your children? Is it a particularly stressful time at your work? Is there a preplanned family vacation on the horizon? All of these considerations, as well as the others discussed within those other blog posts, amount to determining whether you would be happier staying together, at least for now, or beginning the process of legally dissolving your marriage.

It is not an easy decision for many folks. As for others, they emotionally checked-out of the marriage in the past, and so, it is merely a business decision for them. Wherever you are in that process of emotionally coming to grips with the loss of your marriage, our advice is for you to not make a rash decision. Think about what you want to do. Discuss it with friends, or a mental health worker. And, if you decide that divorce is right for you; and that you are ready to proceed, then make that decision. Until then, wait until you are ready (or, ideally, work to improve your marriage, and never get divorced).

Until nest time, I am the Family Lawyer who says “Divorce is a big decision. Please don’t rush into it!”

[1] There are a few reasons for this phenomenon. Many people do not want to start the divisive process during the holiday season. The stress of the holiday season pushes other to realize how unhappy they actually are. And, January is often viewed as a time for new resolutions, and major life changes.

When to Consider Divorce (Part 2)

May 14, 2018 | Divorce

Committed relationships, such as marriages, are bedrock institutions of our society. When these relationships are healthy, they provide us with joy, contentment, stability, connection, and opportunities for personal growth. But, unfortunately, not all such intimate relationships become, and remain, healthy for both partners. Continuing with our series, we will discuss today some additional warning signs, or bad omens, for marriages.

According to Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., Social Psychologist at the University of California, Riverside, and author of “The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want,” being married is correlated with being happy: married people are more happy than unmarried people are¹. And so, trouble in a marriage may manifest in the early stages as a state of uneasiness, dissatisfaction, or chronic unhappiness. This may or may not be accompanied by the feeling that there is no value in the marriage.

These feelings may result from something as benign as a gradual drifting apart of the parties, or, something more malignant, such as some form of abuse². Or, the feelings may arise in other ways that are instrumental in a spouse’s coming to feel unvalued, unappreciated, untrusted, constantly questioned or criticized. In any of those cases, the lack of an underlying happiness and satisfaction is a signal that the marriage is in trouble.

When one or both partners begin to feel dissatisfied with the marriage, then it is important for those feelings to be addressed. If the spouses’ talking-out the causes of the unhappiness or dissatisfaction does not seem to resolve the problem(s), then enlisting the help of a professional may be beneficial. While it might feel pointless or hopeless to try to further work on the lack of meaningful connection at this point, it is worth noting that if the partners can look back and remember good times, then, according to Susan Heitler Ph.D., the marriage, or other committed relationship, can be saved and strengthened.

Importantly, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy reports that most couples who have attended marriage counseling report high levels of satisfaction with the process. While marriage counseling requires each partner to work on himself or herself (rather than just blame the other spouse, and wish for his or her change), the end result can be the satisfaction, fulfillment, and happiness that flow from a happy, healthy marriage. Given as much marriage counseling is often worth doing, for those spouses who have not already given-up on their marriage.

Previously, I wrote about When to Consider Divorce (part 1), and noted that “[m]arriages are worth fighting for when they support us and our spouses…. If the spouses are committed enough to address [their] issues, then the marriage is worth fighting for.” You will find a discussion of some bad omens for a marriage in that earlier writing, so you might want to check it out.

¹ It is also true that happy people tend to attract the types of partners with whom they might build a long-term, satisfying relationship

² Abuse is not always physical; and, other forms of abuse can be just as damaging, or more so, than physical abuse is.

When to Consider Divorce (Part 1)

Feb 28, 2018 | Divorce, Family Law

All good marriages have their ups and downs. That is normal and healthy, because it shows that both partners are committed to the marriage, vulnerable, and working on their relationship with one another. In a loveless marriage, by contrast, there is not an intimate connection nor commitment to the marriage, and so, it is easy to not care enough: about your spouse, nor the relationship, to get upset; to work to make things better. Strong emotion is evidence of a connection between two people. But, when is that connection worth fighting for? That is what this series of posts, which we begin today, is about.

Within the comfort of our marriages is where we should feel the most secure, hopeful, and happy—free to be ourselves and supported by our respective spouses. So, the first thing to watch for as a sign of trouble in your marriage is a feeling that you are not able to relax and be yourself. You shouldn’t feel anxious in a healthy marriage. And, if you do, then that is an issue to explore (perhaps with a counselor) to determine whether the anxiety exists because you aren’t supported and getting what you need in the marriage; or, if it is due to something else, such as an anxiety disorder. In either case, that anxiety should be addressed, rather than ignored. Otherwise, the marriage is in trouble.

Next, it is worth noting that when spouses are unhappy, and feeling unsupported, they will often uncouple; i.e., operate as individuals sharing some things, like a house, and maybe children, but not as an intimate team. If marriage is anything, it is a team of two people sharing their lives with one another in an intimate partnership; if there is no team, then there is no marriage. So, uncoupling is not a good omen for the marriage.

Uncoupling often takes the form of infidelity—either emotional, physical, or both. When a spouse becomes secretly intimate with someone other than his or her spouse, then infidelity is occurring, and the marriage is in trouble. Besides having sex with someone other than your spouse, infidelity is occurring if: you are confiding your thoughts and feelings in someone other than your spouse, especially someone whom you are attracted to; you find yourself wanting to spend time with that other person; and, you are keeping the truth about that relationship hidden from your spouse. This is true, even if that relationship is not a sexual one.

People engaged in this kind of infidelity, by the way, will often attempt to justify it by saying “well, we’re not having sex,” and “my spouse is so jealous, that I don’t want to upset (him or her).” But, deception is destructive of a marriage, and so, is the crux of the problem with infidelity. You should question any relationship that you would not want your spouse to be fully knowledgeable about.

Marriages are worth fighting for when they support us and our spouses. If either or both of the issues discussed in this piece are present, then they must be appropriately addressed for the marriage to be supportive of the spouses. If the spouses are committed enough to address these issues, then the marriage is worth fighting for.

There is much more to discuss on this topic. I plan on addressing other related matters in subsequent posts. In the meantime, if you are considering divorce as an option, then you should know the 8 steps to take to prepare for your divorce.

Divorce Advice for Women

Jan 4, 2018 | Divorce, Family Law

We have been successfully handing divorce cases for our clients since 1991. Over that time period, we have literally represented hundreds of women. In fact, our very first divorce client was a woman who had a contested divorce case involving child issues. While representing women, we have noticed that certain issues arise more frequently for them as a group, than for men. This piece will discuss a few of those issues, and then, will offer additional information about how everyone should prepare for an upcoming divorce case.

Finances

Today, we see more women who earn about as much as, or more than, their husbands—some a lot more than their husbands. And yet, according to the latest statistics that we could find on the subject, just 29.3% of wives out-earned their husbands in 2013, according to data compiled by the Bureau of Labor Statistics . Consequently, when a marriage ends, we find more women looking at potentially-serious financial trouble than men (granted, divorce typically makes finances harder on both former spouses; just to a larger degree for many women than men).

Temporary Spousal Support or Alimony might help when available. But, even if those are awarded, they won’t last forever (please see the linked articles for more details about the availability and duration of those support awards in Texas).

It is important that you consider your finances as you start to contemplate divorce, so that you can make a plan in this area of your life.

Assuming that you will win custody by default, because you are “The Mom.”

Once upon a time, i,e. during the Nineteenth Century, American children were routinely awarded to their respective fathers, because women were not entitled to own property, enter into binding legal arrangements (such as through contract), and rarely were able to earn enough to support herself and children.

That tradition was reversed when the Maternal Preference became the dominant idea about where children should live, and which parent would do a better job raising them. During that latter period, Mothers were awarded custody, unless they were proved to be “unfit.”

Nowadays, there is no legal preference for either mothers or fathers to be presumptively awarded custody of their children. Instead, our courts make such awards, as with all other orders pertaining to children, according to what the court finds to be in the “best interest” of the children. This means that mothers might lose custody of their children, and end-up paying child support to the children’s father, unless they take their trial preparation seriously. In our experience, most fathers who ask for custody usually will be prepared to explain to the Presiding Judge why they should have custody. It is up to us to be thoroughly prepared to counter those arguments, and to effectively make our own arguments for why you, the children’s mother, should win the custody battle. This means dealing with these issues seriously and thoughtfully.

Feeling like “a Failure”

When a marriage ends through divorce, it is common for women to feel like they have failed themselves or their children. While there are exceptions to every generalization, it is our experience that men blame themselves, and feel like failures, significantly less often than women do.

Learning lessons from our experiences is how we grow as human beings. But, endlessly beating ourselves up for a failure usually contributed to by both spouses serves no useful purpose. It merely makes us feel bad, and takes away our power to fight for ourselves and our kids. Often, visiting with a good counselor can help us process negative events in a constructive manner.

Conclusion

Divorce can be hard. By addressing the three issues discussed in this piece, it can be less hard for you. We plan on writing more about related issues in the future, so please bookmark this blog site, or sign-up for our Mailing List to stay abreast of our latest posts. Also, we do have many other articles posted on this site about divorce and other Family Law matters, such as this one, discussing the 8 steps that everyone should take to prepare for a potential divorce case, so please feel free to browse through our post archive.

That is all for now. Until next time, keep looking up!

Is There an Ideal Time to File for Divorce?

When to Consider Divorce (Part 2)

When to Consider Divorce (Part 1)

Divorce Advice for Women

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