Does living together before marriage really increase the odds of divorce? As it turns-out, the answer to that question is “no.” According to newly released research, performed by the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, the most important variable when predicting divorce is the ages of the people when they started living together—whether they were married or not. And, it also turns-out that people who live together before marrying one another tend to be younger than people who do not live together until after marriage.  The researchers came to this conclusion after studying data on thousands of married women in the U.S. from the National Survey of Family Growth from the years 1995, 2002 and 2006 to 2010.

Once the data is controlled for the “age” variable, we see that people who move-in together before marriage are no more likely to divorce than those who marry before beginning to live together. The critical age appears to be 23. People who live together (married or not) prior to that age, are the most likely to eventually divorce one another. Conversely, folks who begin living together after the age of 23 years are less likely to divorce. Whether they are married when they begin living together or not appears to have no effect on whether they eventually divorce. Their ages at the time of first moving-in together is the important factor.

The researchers hypothesize that factors such as the parties’ maturity, negotiating skills, life stability, and ability to choose suitable partners all play a role in allowing older people to maintain their relationships better. And, this makes sense, since we typically undergo substantial change in our early adult years. As we age and mature, our judgments become better as they are informed by our experiences; we relate to our partners in a more constructive way; and, our lives begin to settle down.

In another surprise finding in the research, the data suggests that living together before marriage can actually lessen the odds of divorce for women who are at a higher risk for divorce. These women are ones who:  had a premarital birth, were raised in single or stepparent families, and women who had more than the median number of sex partners. For those women, cohabiting prior to marriage seems to lessen the odds of divorce. Further research needs to be done to try to explain those results.

People may choose to cohabit, or not, for a variety of reasons. But, as this research makes clear, the decision to marry, or not, before cohabiting should not be based upon the faulty idea that a couple is more likely to divorce if they live together before marriage. Indeed, for some couples the exact opposite is true.

Additional research provides interesting information about the general types of people who are more or less likely to get divorced in America, and the reasons that they divorce. I have written previously about those things in this piece: “Who Gets Divorced in America and Why.” You are invited to check-out that information if you are interested in this topic, as well as the other information found in my various blog entries.

A New Situation

But, what if the unexpected surprise is a divorce? In that case, your spouse is “the enemy,” or at least, your adversary; therefore, they are not there to support you. When a divorce is underway, mutual friends often ally themselves with one spouse or the other; relatives align with their blood relative, over the in-law (their blood relative’s spouse). This is a different animal. Unlike those other surprises mentioned earlier, this surprise brings other changes with it. Dealing with this matter requires a different approach.

First Step

Once the initial shock and immediate reaction fades, try to regain your composure before you say or do anything in response to the surprise divorce. Many times a spouse’s initial reactions to being served with divorce papers has put the case moving in a certain direction, which is often different from the otherwise natural flow of the case.

Take, for example, the case of a wife having an extra-marital affair. She may eventually decide that she no longer wishes to remain married to her husband, and so she files for divorce and has her husband served with divorce papers. If the husband’s first reaction is to go on an angry rant—whether via text message, telephone call, or in-person—the case becomes about the husband’s anger, whether he needs counseling, whether he can be trusted to be alone with his own children, and, perhaps, whether the court should issue a Protective Order against the husband. This might show-up in his Background Check for the rest of his life. And guess what the case is not about: the wife’s adultery and betrayal. This is not what the husband wants the case to be about. So he would be wise to step back and compose himself before reacting to the case.

Second Step

Being, or becoming, organized is the first step in getting prepared for your case. And, as with so many other things in life, being prepared is 90% of the key to being successful. No matter how disorganized you might feel at this time, there are simple things that you can do to greatly increase your organization. In this article, there is a step-by-step guide to moving in this direction: “8 Steps to Take to Prepare for Divorce.”

Third Step

In all but the simplest cases, you would do well to at least consult with a skilled, experienced Family Lawyer. While there are online and offline guides to divorce available, representing yourself, and trying to spot all of the issues in a case by yourself, it is akin to trying to view architectural plans and build your own office building or home. Some can do that. Most of us would be better off allowing a professional to accomplish that feat. If you do not know of a trusted Family Lawyer, we suggest that you might want to look at these articles for guidance (“Tips for Selecting a Family Lawyer”) and (“How to Find a Divorce lawyer”).

Conclusion

Divorce is never easy. And when it comes as a surprise it can be even more startling and upsetting. Follow the pointers in this piece and you will be well on your way to successfully navigating potentially troubled waters.